M's story has been heart-wrenching for me in many ways, but this past weekend was the hardest. From the beginning she had asked to come live with us with only her son, leaving her daughter to be raised by her mom. I told her no, and that she should bring both of them. About a month later she asked again if she could send her back to her mom and I said no, she is the mom and needs to raise her children. This past Friday after a very difficult period in the house with both she and K she asked me for the third and final time if she could send her daughter back to her mom who lives 7 hours away. She said if she couldn't send her she was going to leave.
We talked in circles as I tried to get to the root issue of WHY??? Why would you want your daughter to be 7 hours away where she is going to grow up and not even know you? Why do you want to take care of one child and not the other? Why do you want to send her back to what you wanted to get away from? Why, after seeing so many positive changes in her do you think that is a better situation? And I just couldn't get good answers. After hours of talking I had to conclude that she just doesn't want the responsibility of both children and the easier answer is to just not raise her. Sadly, for this culture, that's normal. Grandma regularly takes the first child and raises them as their own leaving their daughter without feeling the responsibility of being a mom and leading to that same daughter often having more children.
85% of the girls who I have interviewed for PDE or who have come to live us have been raised by someone other than their own mother. Almost all of them have expressed feelings of abandonment and trust issues and just sadness that their own mother wouldn't want them. Some of our deepest struggles with these girls have brought up the question... "How could you love me if my own mother didn't love me enough to raise me?" This is especially true when they know that their mom raised other siblings but didn't raise them.
This weekend I barely slept. I promised M to really consider the possibility of her sending her daughter to grandma. I weighed both arguments, I saw positives in both, and I just prayed. In the end I could not come to a place of peace about it and knew that I had to tell her that it was most important to me that she be in her daughter's life. As much as I love her, I also love little Y and I feel like I have to be an advocate for her as she has no voice yet... and she needs her mom. I knew it was likely that she would leave as a result. And she is.
The good news is that we had some really sweet conversation and I think she understands why I make the decision, although she doesn't agree with it. And we were able to study through Scripture about marriage and children and family and what a blessing and responsibility it is to be a mom. All of this is new to her, she has no concept of a Godly family... but the seeds are there now and I pray that they will grow.
So as of Thursday C and W will be are only occupants at PDE. It will seem sad and empty. But I trust that God is in charge and already knows who is coming. So we wait and trust.
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