Failure versus success

The Lord is really teaching me to trust these days, and it is hard.  It is hard because I have a plan for this ministry and it doesn’t look anything like what happens on a daily basis.  Sometimes I feel like I get so excited about something or someone and then it fails.  Well, to me it seems like failure.  And yet the Lord has such a different perspective on success and failure that has very little in common with what I think.

Marlen is 23 years old and has a baby Saira who is about 6 months old.  They are both really precious and we enjoyed our time with them.  Marlen had gone all over the city looking for me and this ministry.  When we finally got together we were both excited about the prospect of her joining us in PDE.  She comes from an abusive past and a very poor family.  She wants to be a good mom but lacks the resources to do so.  She also has some bad habits that come from a life of being constantly defensive and on edge.  She lies constantly because it has been a means of survival for her.  She tries to manipulate things to her benefit because that is the only way that she knows.  It is so hard to watch it because I can see the roots and I hate what she has suffered.

She loves her family dearly and has spent  years taking care of her mom who is sick and weak.  The day she said goodbye to her family to come and live at PDE was so sad for everyone involved.  I had told her she had to be out of contact with them for one month while she figured out how to live in PDE and got adjusted there.  And she just couldn’t do it.  She missed her mom terribly and worried about her every day.  She missed her freedom and her comfort zone and the life that she had always known.  She was miserable at the girls’ house.  And so, after 3 weeks she moved back home with her mom.

It is so hard for me because I want to think that our ministry is the best.  I want to think that it is what she needs.  But its not.  She needs Jesus.  In the time that she was with us she heard the Gospel clearly time after time… its not about what you do.  God loves you, He wants you to know Him, it is a free gift, you need a Savior, you don’t have to earn it, grace is FREE!  I know the seeds were planted.  I know she wanted to believe it.  She was praying and reading Scripture and listening… but the roots of having to earn God’s favor run really deep in her heart.  What she needs is not PDE, what she needs is Jesus.

Please pray for Marlen and Saira as they are still heavy on my heart.  I want her to know Jesus and the freedom that the Gospel brings.  I want her to know that she is worth something and valuable and she doesn’t have to settle for any man that looks her way.  I know she heard a lot of truth in the time that we had with her… pray for the Lord to use it, to keep surrounding her with His people, to keep speaking to her heart.

And pray for me… I am starting to think through our ministry and what really is best.  It is hard to find girls who really want to change enough to stick it out and come live at PDE.  Should we be doing more outreach, should we change our approach?  I’m just doing some re-evaluating.  But in the meantime I trust that the Word of God is powerful and every time we get to share it we are being obedient to what the Lord has called us to do.  Even if the house is not full :)

Support Changes

April is bringing big changes for the support aspect of my being a missionary here.  I got married, as you all know, and also became an independent contractor with MTW.  All this means that I still need to raise support and the money comes through MTW, but it all comes through the project account.  So if you are currently supporting me, please contact MTW and change your support to account number 92413.

If you would like to support our family and/or the Puerta de Esperanza house, please send a check to

MTW
PO Box 116284
Atlanta, GA 30368
to the designation #92413

Our family needs to raise about $1000 more per month to make up for lost donors over the last two years plus a raise in cost for health insurance.  Puerta de Esperanza needs to raise about $1500 per month and some extra for March to pay for the church trip that we are taking.

I would love to have some more churches supporting us regularly, as of now my home church is our only monthly church donor.  If your church would be interested, please email me a contact person and I will get in touch with them.  My email is ssinnes@gmail.com.  We are also working out our visas and would love to come and do missions conferences.

Another big need that I have personally is for someone to give me counsel regarding being an independent contractor.  I have no idea how to do my taxes and money stuff gives me a headache :)  But if you or someone you know has experience with this and could help me, especially if they know about being an independent contractor overseas:)  I don’t really even know how to get started.  Please be in touch!

Family

Man I’m behind on the blogging thing.  I’ve had just a few things going on, but I’m going to try to get better!  Since getting married and trying to learn how to be a mom, the thing that has had to go is the computer.  And I don’t really miss it all that much.  But at the same time, I love so far from so many people that I love and I don’t want to give up the chance to keep in touch as well as I can.

I wanted to take a chance to introduce my new family :)  Maybe I’ll also get around to a wedding post one of these days.  But just know that it was great!

Lesther…

This is a rare moment to catch him smiling in a picture :)  But he smiles a lot in real life.  He has a great sense of humor, keeps me laughing, and pushes me back to Jesus all the time.  He understands trusting the Lord in a way that I have never had to, is always challenging me to love people well, and wants other people to know Jesus.  He has a servant’s heart and goes above and beyond to take care of the people that he loves.  He has been a huge blessing in my life, and the Lord is also using Him in this ministry.  He gets these girls and their lives and culture and problems so much better than I do and loves getting the chance to talk to them and show them Jesus.

Angel…

I can honestly say that this kid is the funniest 8 year old that I know.  He has a great sense of humor, but doesn’t laugh at himself.  He is patient until someone notices that he is being funny.  He also loves to scare people and will sneak into my room and wait 30 minutes for a chance to scare me.  He loves riding bikes, playing games, swimming and playing soccer.  He has his daddy’s servant heart and will often do little things like get people a chair or get things out of the car without being asked.  He is stubborn when he doesn’t want to do something and we sometimes have a battle of wills.  He knows way more English than he admits to and is memorizing verses and catechisms with Nicolle.  He loves Just Dance on the Wii and doing anything his dad is doing. :)

Nicolle…

This look doesn’t quite sum up the mischief that makes up this 5 year old.  She is a fireball.  She loves to help me with anything and everything.  We cook together, clean together, run errands together.  She loves reading books, coloring, playing games, using her new whiteboard from Aunt Bethany, and wearing pretty dresses.  She is super active and this year learned to ride a bike without training  wheels and swim without a floaty.  She is soaking up English like a sponge and started in bilingual school this year.  She is a little flighty and has a mind of her own… we are working on concentrating and obeying.  She was the first one to really claim me as her mom and has been my constant companion ever since.  She thinks that she is already a mom and wants to hold every baby in sight, even if they are as heavy as she is.  She really is helpful, as helpful as a 5 year old can be :)

Andres…

I can’t even tell you how this little guy warms my heart.  He is slow to get comfortable and accept people and he spends the least time with us.  But last week he started calling me mama and I’ve never been so excited :)  He is obsessed with his brother and sister and spends most of his time just laughing at them.  He loves books and puzzles.  Last week he got a bike and still has no idea how to make it go… but as you can see, he doesn’t care and is just happy to be like his big siblings.  At 2 years old he is learning English and Spanish and will probably end up speaking the best of all of them.  He loves to cuddle and makes me so happy when he falls asleep on my lap.  He is in love with his daddy and just cannot get enough time with him.  He follows Lesther around not wanting to miss a thing.

Tears

Today we started praying at dinner and when it got to my turn I just started crying.  It has been a heavy day.  The hardest part being here for me and trying to do what God has asked me to do is knowing how to help when people just don’t want or know how to receive it.  And I hate watching kids suffer for their parents poor choices.  But then you have to remember… that parent was once a kid suffering for their parent’s poor choices… and the cycle continues.

A girl that we have been interviewing for PDE has a 3 week old baby.  I love her.  I could cuddle her all day and never give her back.  She really is a little bundle of joy who got a cold.  No big deal, if you’re 5… when you’ve only been in the world for 3 weeks a cold needs a little more attention.  Monday we went to see Doctor Roger who works with Erin, is a pediatrician, and is awesome!  And he gave simple, easy to follow, instructions and medication to this 18 year old mom to take her baby home and care for her and avoid the public hospital (which we avoid at all costs).  So home they go… home with the baby’s daddy’s family even though he is not there and the mom only goes out of fear that if she doesn’t do what they want they will somehow take the baby away.

Today I get a call that the baby is worse and we are off to see the doctor again.  She failed at home treatment because there was no treatment… mom gave her tylenol and just decided not to do much else.  So she could be well, but now she needs more care than mom can give her which means PDE or the hospital.  We were ready to take her, but mom just can’t decide.  She is holding on to selfishness and her desires for her own life more than what is best for her baby.  She is clinging to a man who treats her terribly and isn’t even around, but his false promises keep her grasping for one more chance.

She is 18, but she is lost.  Her family, his family… they are “around”, but that means nothing.  They do nothing to support or help her… it was like pulling teeth to find someone to go to the hospital with her.  And in the end, she was calling me for more money…. for this, for that.  And I had to say no.  And I hate that.  But I can’t be your money tree if you don’t actually let me help you.  If you can’t say no to the things that have you trapped, then you’re not ready to see your future.  And that is so hard.

Please pray.  This girl needs Jesus… and strength to choose what is best for she and her daughter.  She needs to be able to see past today or tomorrow and dream for her future.  She needs to know that she can’t do this by herself and open her eyes to see that the people surrounding her can’t help her.  And the hardest part is that I can’t show her any of that, it has to be the Lord.  So tonight I am begging the Lord to use this sickness, her baby’s little life, to bring her to Himself, and to show her her need.

And as I pray, I’m just sad.