Learning to Hold Loosely

Confessions of a control freak...

There, I said it.  I'm a control freak.  If you know me, this comes as no surprise.  I used to joke around and tell people that I don't do things I'm not good at, and it was a joke, but I kind of meant it.  And then I got thrown into a world of things and language and culture where I couldn't be good, because I didn't even understand what was going on.  And then I had girls I was responsible for, and babies, and children, and a husband... and sometimes it feels like there are so many plates spinning that the only way to keep them from toppling over is to hold tighter and squeeze more and control, control, control.

But there are so many things outside of my ability to hold them together... sickness with a fever that makes it impossible to think about making lunch tomorrow because I can only focus on how much my body hurts, personalities of those that I love that at the same time charm me and drive me crazy, kids who continue to lose their school supplies and shoes and everything else even though they have been constantly reminded.

I mentioned to Lesther that really the only thing I actually miss from being single is the feeling that my life was in order.  If I put something down it would be in that same place when I came back for it.  If I felt like having spicy chicken for dinner, no one complained about not liking it because it was just me.  I never had to think about lice ruining a peaceful Saturday afternoon and giving me hours of work to do.

So I think the word for it really isn't order.  I think its selfishness.  I think what I miss is that I don't get to be selfish.  I try... believe me.  I give it a good hard go.  But God, in His goodness, gave me an awesome family and they don't let me be very selfish and they are awfully gracious and forgiving when I slip back into my old ways.

So I am trying to learn to hold loosely.  To not worry so much about bedtime being exactly on the dot, to let the cereal stay all day on the kitchen floor if it has to, to send lunch money on the days when lunch just didn't quite get packed (even if it means they spend that money on two bags of cheetos and a soda), and to trust that God has everything under control and it is just not my job to keep all the plates from tipping over.  I want to enjoy the time I have with my kids and it is so hard to do that when I want everything to be perfect.

So thanks sickness for being this week's reminder that I have an awesome husband who loves me and my kids well, that I have nothing to complain about, that selfishness is not worth it, and that God knows exactly what He is doing.