Today I was praying through the prayer requests from my high school girls last night. As I was praying for one girl in particular, I was praying that the Lord would just grow her up and mature her in life and faith and specifically in her ability to love the Lord more than the world. As I'm praying this, I come across her next request on the sheet... "pray that God would help me to love Him more than I love my friends." Hmm... the Lord just got me with that. Here I am praying for maturity for this girl thinking that I am walking so many steps ahead of her when I realize that I am, in fact, just like her.
It's people. I could leave a place in a second. I don't get attached to places or get nostalgic about my first guitar. I don't name or personify my car or show great allegiance to my alma mater, the good 'old Blue Hose. Its people and relationships that get my heart every time. It is maybe my greatest joy and my biggest downfall. I love people, which is why I want them to know the Lord and it makes ministry such a joy for me. And yet, I love people and I have a hard time trusting that the Lord is enough for me even if it takes me being lonely before I really get to see what it means for Him to sustain me. And recently, it's even been the anticipation of a person I don't even have yet... sometimes I think I love the idea of my future marriage and family more than the Lord. How is that possible when I don't even know if the Lord is going to give that to me? I don't know... but somehow I manage to do it.
My mind came back to this Caedmon's Call song...
You know I ran across an old box of letters
While I was bagging up some clothes for Goodwill
But you Know I had to laugh at the same old struggles
That plagued me then are plaguing me still...
I'm so thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own
'Cause by grace I have been saved
Through faith that's not my own
It is a gift of God and not by works
Lest anyone should boast
As a good friend reminded me tonight... thank the Lord that He isn't done with us yet! By His grace I will continue to grow and trust Him. And I can see how far He has brought me... He loves me too much to leave me where I am! And I'm thankful for that.
I feel ya friend. Thanks for sharing that. I get so tied up when I think about marriage, too-- it's like anywhere I go, anything I do, a future relationship seems to be an unconscious motivator and goal. Why can't God be that for me more naturally? It just reminds me how fundamentally self-oriented I am and what a drain it is on my relationship with him. But on the other hand, being others-oriented is how we were made, too. We just like to twist it so it becomes the center and nudges God out. I wish we could just decide somehow not to pack our sin nature and leave it behind when we move overseas. You know, just not write it on the packing list. Put it in a box and say Seeya. CHyeah right. :) But God's got us on a journey and we're gonna know his grace even deeper every step of the messed-up way we take. Love you!
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