Consistency

Still reading Joshua today and just thinking about the Lord’s perfect balance of consistency in discipline, grace to give us what we don’t deserve, justice, and mercy to give us forgiveness.  It was just so matter of fact… the Israelites wandered in the wilderness and lost a whole generation because of their sin and disobedience.  God is faithful to His word and he follows through with what He says.  And yet in his mercy He still gave the promised land to the next generation.

I long to find some kind of that balance in my life.  I want to know what it looks like first of all to receive all of this from the Lord.  I actually love rules because I love order and things that make sense.  And grace and mercy just don’t always make sense and its hard to believe sometimes that they really could be true.

But I also want to find this balance in how I love others and how I parent those who have put under my responsibility for the time being.  How do I show them such consistency with rules and order and discipline while at the same time showing them grace and mercy?  Its tricky, that’s for sure, and I err on the side of discipline and rules.  I have a lot to learn.  But its got me thinking and I think that's good.  I’m ready to listen and follow and trust the Lord to show me how this looks in real life.

Be Strong and Courageous

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I’ve been reading through Joshua recently and its crazy how the Lord makes new things jump out at me every time.  Of course I’ve read these verses before, but I don’t think I’d ever noticed just how many times it says… be strong and courageous.

They were about to walk into the great unknown.  I mean, they had no clue what was waiting for them on the other side.  And the Lord was preparing them for that, fortifying them for that, giving them all the strength that they needed to be ready to face what HE knew was coming.  It’s a good kind of peace to know that the Lord knows what is ahead for us even when we don’t have a clue.  And not only that, He gives us the strength we need to face it.  And He promises to go with us so we don’t have to do it alone.  Over the past couple weeks  I have really needed reminders of those promises.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in over my head.  I thought we would have 4 girls and at the moment 3 girls and 3 babies is more than enough :)  They have a new kind of need every day… emotionally, spiritually, physically… reminders to take their medicine, getting them to buy school supplies, spending time with them to remind them that Jesus loves them, whatever.  I LOVE what I do, but I had no idea what I was getting into :)  And then I have some semblance of a personal life outside of that to try and figure out too.  But today I don’t feel overwhelmed, even though there is just a lot going on.  I have been praying that I would be able to trust the Lord.  Just trust Him.  And rest in that.  He tells me to be strong and courageous, to not give up, to let Him walk with me, that He is preparing me.  Okay… I get it… today, I’ll try to rest.

a Garden

I’ll have to go take a picture soon… but today the girls are planting a garden!  Isn’t that fun?  Yesterday we bought flowers and seeds and dirt and today they’re putting them in.  I told C that for every pepper she grows she can afford to buy a box of jello… since its her favorite, that was very motivating :)  I love seeing them do new things, so this is really fun!

In other news…

Door removal.  Caused major crisis in the moment, very heart-revealing.  But has been exceptionally effective :)  I have seen some really sweet changes in Y this week.  And Doña Oneyda gave a good report on her on Monday for the first time.  Y’s whole face lit up when I told her!  She is talking about the future and dreaming with me and going out of her way to be helpful and kind. 

She loves trying to talk to Amy and she keeps telling us that she cares for both of us and loves one of us and we can just keep guessing which one it is.  ha.  She is ridiculous.

Also, we went to the beach on Saturday to celebrate Mother’s Day.  What a sweet day.  I’m so thankful for Kate and the way that she loves on these girls with me.  I’m thankful for Amy who is here just walking along in life beside me for a little while and doing her best to speak Spanish.  I also may be a little jealous of her language skills, she learns SO fast.  And I’m thankful for my new pastor friends who were here visiting from the states and went to hang out with us.

Heart Issues

Disobedience always has a root, but sometimes its hard to tell what it is.  When the almost 2 year old throws her toy for the third time maybe she is tired, maybe she just wants to be in control, maybe she is looking for attention.  When the 22 year old blatantly disobeys and goes to see her mom on Mother’s Day after being told not to, there is a lot more going on than just a nice visit at home.

I started by telling her that I get it.  She doesn’t have to give me excuses because I understand the pull and power that her mom has over her on an emotional level.  It didn’t come from one guilt-trip conversation.  It is the product of years of emotional manipulation that have instilled fear in a daughter’s heart to make her mom upset or angry.  And she is terrified.  She excuses her and tries to make it not sound so bad.  And yet every time she sees or talk to her she ends up in bed with a migraine so bad that she can’t lift her head up.  Clearly it affects her.

So we’re cutting ties.  Not forever, but for awhile.  You can pray for me as I go this coming week to go talk to this mom and try to explain to her why she won’t be hearing from her daughter for quite some time. Pray that the Lord will open her heart to be able to really love her daughter and know that this is the best thing.  And pray that out from under the pressure of this relationship that this daughter will be able to really rest and receive healing from the Lord.  The good thing is, she says she trusts me, or rather, trusts Jesus in me that this could really be a good thing for her.  I think it feels like it could bring freedom, but she is just so scared!  Praise the Lord that He is the Lord of hope and healing and we long for her to experience that.

Tuesday

It was a rough morning.

I’m “that” mom.  The one that takes off the bedroom door because today disobedience looked like locking it just one more time.  The one that believes that only big reminders will stick with you enough to maybe, just maybe, have an impact next time you are trying to decide whether or not to obey.  And when 16 year old Y tests the line every time I turn around, I just have to do something.

She is a threatener… “I’m going to leave.  Then I’m just not going to eat.  Well, I didn’t want a door anyway.”  Fine then.  So after the door scenario she started with the normal… “Susana, I’m leaving here.”  Okay Y… where are going?  Thinking she was joking around like normal or just frustrated with me for actually doing what I said I would do.

But sitting in the living room I heard furniture moving around and went back to check.  Her whole room was getting thrown piece by piece into a suitcase and she was sobbing like I’ve never seen before.  This wasn’t a show.  This was real, heart-level pain.  This was guilt and shame and despair and depression.  She wanted to stay but felt like she just couldn’t.  It wasn’t about the door, but that was the catalyst.

When you’ve been told for your whole life that you’re worthless and that you are disobedient and that you’ll never change, when you’ve been hit and yelled at, you don’t know how to accept discipline and how to accept love.  She was convinced for those few hours that she would forever make life hard on everyone, that she would never be able to change, that leaving J with us was a better option that trying to be her mom, that she really didn’t want to even be alive anymore.

So yeah.  It was rough.  We prayed, a lot.  And we talked.  And she didn’t believe much of what I said, but I get that.  She was so overwhelmed and just so sad.  But in the end I didn’t have to call Mike to come sit in front of the gate.  She calmed down and is okay now.  But oh how we need the power of Jesus to bring change and hope and joy.  Please pray for her to know and really believe the love of God and feel the freedom of that.

We work with people

“Its okay because they are people and not migratory ducks.” – Mike Pettengill

This weird and outlandish statement was made by Mike yesterday upon Kate’s lament that she drove around all afternoon and only found one of her street kids, but I love the sentiment.

We work with people.  Its not a pattern, its not a schedule that you can make or a formula that you can stick to.  They are people and they surprise me every day.  Sometimes they make it easy.  Its fun and we laugh and they learn and listen.  Sometimes it is just not easy at all… they complain and whine and ask for more things.  And sometimes I haven’t spent as much time with them as I want to or given them the attention that they need or the one-on-one conversation that I wish I could give them every day.  Sometimes its overwhelming.

So… I don’t think we’ll end up naming the street children’s center… “no son patos” (they aren’t ducks), although it was seeming like a good option yesterday, especially b/c it sounds kind of like “no zapatos” (no shoes) when you say it fast and it just has this cool double meaning ring to it :)  But I do want to remember the point… they are people and we need to love them right where they are!